We often hear the words child abandonment and think of those who are left at the fire station or hospital, parents who fail to pay child support, parents who are using substances and too involved with the drugs to attend to their child or even those parents who just take off. Those are often the most noticeable and sad examples of child abandonment; often they may even make the evening news.
Child abandonment, however, has a much deeper and less obvious set of core issues that can find themselves in the therapy office when the child is 5, 10, 15, 20 or 50. When we work with the affects of abandonment, we are looking for actual or perceived abandonment. In other words, a child could have been actually, physically abandoned OR the child could have perceived that they were abandoned. Here are a few examples:
- Child loves playing soccer. Parent is glad child is playing soccer. Parent works very hard to put food on the table. Parent cannot attend most of the soccer games. Child feels unsupported and even abandoned by parent who believes they are doing the right thing.
- Child loves drawing. Parent thinks it takes up too much of their time when they should be doing homework. Child stops drawing to gain parent’s approval, while at the same time feeling unseen or unheard in their desire to express themselves creatively.
- Child has learning differences. Parent tries, patiently, to help and/or get help for child. At some point, parent gets frustrated because nothing seems to be working. Child feels defeated and as if they are letting the parent down; thus leading to a sense of abandonment.
All of these scenarios, and many more, are played out in fairly healthy families on a regular basis. The parent is merely doing what they believe to be in the best interest of the child. Yet, the child’s experience is quite different. If a child feels abandoned, their behaviors can change to withdrawal, or aggression; pouting and crying or defiance and irritability.
Through thorough questioning, sharing experiences, and learning together in therapy, these families can find their way back on the path of supportive, present and attentive relationships. The time and energy it will take to make the changes necessary will pay off in immediate and long-term dividends for all parties involved.
